MFR Rating: ★
I said to my friend before entering our screening of Immortals 3D that I hope if it has to be bad, then I hope it would be really, really bad. It is really, really bad and I really, really hated it. Maybe I deserved this cruel and unusual punishment?
Immortals 3D makes you grateful for your own mortality and it will leave you begging to be taken away from this hopelessly poor universe which is about as entertaining as a particularly vigorous fungal infection. Every note missed, but then again can you miss if you weren’t even aiming for the note?
I’m not really sure if there’s much point providing the basic plot premise as the producers and writers clearly had no ideas beyond: “Yeah, 300 is cool. Something a bit like that, yeah, sure, oh and WE CAN DO IT IN 3D. Yeah, AWESOME dude and battles, yeah battles with Gods and bare chests and swords and battles and Gods and blood! And they can be immortal – and there can be titans – and yeah some of the immortals can die. Yeah, awesome!”.
The dialogue is about as well co-ordinated as a child playing with Lego. It’s delivered like listening to my Year 3 pupils read, monotone and stumbling, but that’s completely understandable, they’re only 7. It’s understandable the acting is so poor because the script is just embarrassing. How this could have been considered the best draft, God only knows.
It’s non stop action, battles and swords and gratuitous blood just for the sake of giving the film something to do. It bleeds from every pore, it’s an utter failure in high budget filming-making, with absolutely no effort whatsoever to develop any sense of place or character. It’s soulless, utterly forgettable, brainless, tedious tosh.
There’s a scene of eye gouging, and never has eye gouging seemed so painless and inconsequential. That pretty much sums it up.
Immortals 3D is out on 11th November in the UK and US. Running time: 110 mins. Certificate 15 (UK).
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Review by David Rank